Liberalcrow's Doodleverse

2010-04-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

The Creature From the Emo Lagoon's heart is breaking right now, because he can do all of this awesome stuff... except allow his one true love to make the sacrifice of living in a lagoon.

The Creature From the Emo Lagoon

Ethical Stance: Detached and protective of what he loves, but can never really have.

Skills and Abilities: The Creature from the Emo Lagoon possesses 10 times the strength of a normal adult human male, excellent agility, the ability to breath and live underwater, night vision, razor sharp claws, and the skill to swim faster than a speeding harpoon.

Weaknesses: Lip biting girls.

Origin: Gill Lawrence moved from Brazil because his mom, a scientist and a single mother, got a job at Roche Diagnostics. His mom immediately enrolled him in Carmel High School, because learning is FUNdamental. While in physics class, he was seated next to Redonda Brainard. At first glance he caught her eye (mostly because he was the only student in the class who was an Universal Movie Monster), and she immediately began biting her lip. Gill, not having lips of his own, found this intriguing, and could not get the thought of this dark-haired girl with the longing stares out of his mind.

As the semester progressed, looks turned to casual greetings, and small hellos blossomed into long conversations about Grey's Anatomy and kelp. One day, Gill worked up the courage to invite Redonda to his cavern beneath the manicured lagoons of Carmel's Monon Park. While walking on one of the park's trails, a pointy bike helmet flew off the head of one of Carmel's many 40 year old, slightly out of shape, spandexed recumbent bikers and headed right for Redonda's face. Gill, who had stopped to pick a flower along the trail, saw what was about to happen, leapt 20 feet in the air, and swatted the helmet away, while tackling Redonda to the ground. She leaned in to kiss him, but he pushed her away and ran to his cave.

That night Redonda came home gushing to her father about the mysterious new student who had set her lips aflame, without ever touching them. Of course, he was only concerned about the general roundness of the boy, if he had an "O" anywhere in his name, and what he thought about roundabouts in general. He also suggested that the reason her lips were enflamed might have something to do with all the biting.

What he didn't know was that this boy was connected to the fossil that had been found in the park…the very same fossil that could convince his largely Republican constituency that evolution and science were things that actually existed. If that happened, the town could begin to think rationally, vote him out, and (most importantly) stop progress on his final roundabout.

The next day at school, Gill tried to ignore Redonda, but she persisted. In a confrontation outside the cafeteria, Redonda screamed, "Why won't you love me?"

Gill could only respond with a single tear from his obsidian eyes and the pained words, "Because I'm different. And also, I can only reproduce by shedding gametes in the water around me!"

But, as Gill was about to give in to his merman desires and take Redonda in his arms, a gunshot broke their unborn embrace. Swiftly moving his swollen-lipped beauty from harm's way, Gill pursued the assassin. All he could find was a small piece of torn, forest-green pant. When he showed it to Redonda, she recognized it immediately. Before her was a piece of the very same pants she saw her father's dinner guest wear the night before.

Gill pressed her for the name. When she gasped, "Dr. David Reed. My father brought him in to track down some sciency thing they found in the park a couple of days ago," The Creature From the Emo Lagoon knew that he had to get her to safety. Dr. Reed was his mother's former lover, but she had abandoned him for his father. Dr. Reed was also one of the men who killed his father.

With rage and fear in his heart, The Creature From the Emo Lagoon tracked Dr. Reed across the cul-de-sacs and Protestant churches of Carmel's mean streets. His final steps led to the very La Quinta Inn where Gill had hid his mother and Redonda. Having deduced Dr. Reed's trap, Gill rented the adjoining room, punched through the paper-thin walls, and dragged Dr. Reed through. Then he ate him.

After defeating his foe, he returned to the frightened and weeping ladies in the next room and consoled them. The demise of Dr. Reed became a double scandal for Mayor Brainard, as news got out that his daughter had been checked into a hotel room that had a hole punched through it. The rumors of his daughter's "rockstar lifestyle" (though not true) were damaging. Even worse was the revelation that Mayor Brainard had used tax-payer money to pay for Dr. Reed's assassination expedition. As everyone knows, any time you use tax-payer money to do anything in Indiana, it's bad and often leads to political radioactivity.

Associations and Relations: The Creature From the Emo Lagoon loves two women. His mother, and Redonda Brainard. All others are irrelevant. Also, sometimes he hangs out with draculas, mummies, and wolfmen.

Enemies: The Creature From the Emo Lagoon counts the late and delicious Dr. David Reed, and The Mayor of Crazytown as his major adversaries.

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

2010-04-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

2010-01-13T19:15:00.000-08:00

The Mayor of Crazytown will only deal with roundabout related matters... thank you very much.

The Mayor of Crazytown

Ethical Stance: Insane Despot

Skills and Abilities: The Mayor of Crazytown was an extremely talented and charismatic politician before he descended into complete madness. He used this skill to rise to the Mayoral office of Carmel, Indiana. These skills have eroded as he has spiraled into the swirling drain of insanity, but he has managed to maintain his power by his nearly superhuman ability to speak in circles, and by preying on the simple fact that most rich people are stupid.

Weaknesses: Straight roads. Logic.

Origin: Jim Brainard was always a strange child, obsessed with circles. At the age of 5 he wrote a letter to Santa asking for, “a hula hoop, a Frisbee, a bunt cake pan, and a mathematical or navigational compass.” As a young eagle scout, he was shunned by his compatriots for constantly singing the song, Red Rubber Ball, by his favorite band, The Cyrkle. Despite these minor quirks, he was, for the most part, functional.

He managed to graduate with a law degree from Northern Ohio University (he chose to go to law school in Ohio because it's the only state that begins and ends with a circular letter), and settled in Carmel, Indiana. As a young lawyer, he became frustrated by how straight all the roads in Carmel were, and he found it impossible to move around the city. Eventually, he could take no more, and in 1995 he ran a self-funded campaign to become Mayor of Carmel. It was shortly after his election that his break with reality began. Brainard knew he wanted to change Carmel, but the demands of the campaign had not given him time to flesh out a specific plan. So, on his first day as Mayor, he made his aides lock him in his office for 88 hours, with explicit instructions not to disturb him, or let him out. During those fateful hours, his mind broke, and he came up with his diabolical plan to make a new, “perfect” Carmel. When the doors were finally unlocked he emerged, with a 888 page plan on round paper, desperately gasping, “It’s all going to be round.”

His first official act as mayor was to change all of the city’s vehicles to VW Beetles, but this was just a small fragment of his, long overarching plan to put a roundabout in every intersection. Soon, ground broke on the first roundabout, and Carmel started its journey toward becoming the roundaboutest city in America.

As the Mayor of Crazytown’s enemies grew, so did his ambition and ability to destroy them. When a reporter asked him if it made sense to put thousands of roundabouts in a northern city that often has slick streets in the winter, the mayor answered by laughing for 88 minutes straight. The next day, the proscriptions began. Soon like Sulla and Caesar before him, The Mayor of Crazytown had consolidated his power with his friends and smashed his car into the busses of his enemies.

As he entered into his unprecedented fourth term as the mayor of Carmel, a young rebel appeared in his city, a rebel that would threaten everything he held dear (in other words, circles).

While digging up the land for the Monon park, one of the workers found a found a fossil that, upon further investigation, seemed to link humans evolutionarily to fish. When the Mayor got wind of this development, he invited the worker and the scientist he contacted about the fossil to his private circular retreat, to celebrate the discovery.

The mayor knew that this information would be dangerous, because it might stop further construction projects in the city, or convince his largely Republican constituency that evolution and science were things that actually existed. This could not be. The two guests were never seen again.

What the Mayor didn’t know was the worker's discovery was not a fossil at all, but the shed skin of a very special creature who had just moved into the area--and who had just enrolled in Carmel High School…Gill Lawrence, The Creature From the Emo Lagoon.

Unfortunately for the mayor, he miscalculated the Creature’s intentions. Gill really only wanted to be left alone, because he knew his love came with a curse, and if he let anyone in (like the sweet-smelling daughter of the mayor) it could only end in disaster. But the mayor feared Gill because he was different. His overreaction to the arrival of Gill led to a conflict that would eventually stop progress on his final roundabout, and tear apart his family.

Associations and Relations: The Mayor of Crazytown has isolated himself and his city from the outside world, so his associations with others outside of Carmel are extremely limited.

The Mayor of Crazytown has one daughter who attends Carmel High School, named Redonda. She is in love with The Creature From the Emo Lagoon.

Enemies: The Mayor of Crazytown’s major adversary is the Creature From the Emo Lagoon, who threatens to destroy all of the round things he holds dear.

2009-10-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

Eventually...these will all taste the breath of fictional life.

2009-10-19T16:21:00.001-07:00

COMING EVENTS

The Mayor of Crazytown will only deal with roundabout related matters... thank you very much.

The Creature From the Emo Lagoon's heart is breaking right now, because he can do all of this awesome stuff... except allow his one true love to make the sacrifice of living in a lagoon.

2009-09-08T18:25:00.000-07:00

G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. wants your future to be free.

G. Gordon Deathbot Jr.

Ethical Stance: Hero

Skills and Abilities: G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. was born with all of the skills and abilities of his father, but at varying degrees. For example, he is as not quite as strong as his father, but he is a better tactician, has superior vision, speed, stamina, and ability to write for children than his father. In addition, he has inherited near superhuman sexy dancing skills from his mother. Unfortunately, his plumbing abilities are well below average, and he is extremely clumsy with a plunger. Unlike his father, he does feel pain, but finds strength in joy. G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. can immediately repair his body by singing that Jackie Wilson song that’s in Ghostbusters II. He also has a genius level intellect, which allowed him (at the age of 15) to build a time machine to travel back to the early 21^st.

Weaknesses: Unlike his father, G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. does not need to feed on hippies, in fact, he finds them to be very nice, except for the baby-boomer ones, who are a little too narcissistic for his taste.

If G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. is fatally wounded, and he cannot sing the Jackie Wilson hit, (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher, before his body shuts down all its functions, he will die. G. Gordon Deatbot Jr. also maintains a list of the ten greatest songwriters (based on science and his opinion) in any given time that he is in. If an enemy recites that list to him, he will go into a catatonic state for six minutes and thirty-three seconds. Pinkertons in the employ of the senior Deathbot have discovered nine names on the current list are (in no particular order): Tom Gabel, Elvis Costello, Carlton Rindenhour, Jeffery Haynes, Reggie Noble, Ted Leo, Bob Dylan, Colin Meloy, and Dr. Greg Graffin. There is some speculation that the final name is Andy Breckman, but this has not been confirmed. Luckily, when presented with this evidence, Deathbot Sr. destroyed the list, not out of compassion, but out of a strong and stubborn belief that there could be no better songwriter than Pat Boone (who, paradoxically, did not write any songs that Deathbot Sr. likes).

Origin: G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. was born in secret in 2076 when insanity enthusiast and world monarch G. Gordon Deathbot gave his life-essence to the unsuspecting eggs of a Thai courtesan who was just trying to put her way through space college.

When G.G. Jr.’s mother learned that she was pregnant, she made the wise decision to keep this news from his father, despite the wealth that it might have gained her, because she new that a G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. raised by his father would be given only two possible fates—early death, or an apprenticeship in evil.

As his father gained power, and eventually began to dominate the future, G.G. Jr.’s mother (who eventually became a professor of cheese biotics at the Moon University) trained her son for his eventual mission, the assassination of his father.

When G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. turned 15, he set off to fulfill his destiny. The outcome of his quest is unclear, but according to a handwritten plan found by one of the private investigators sent to investigate G.G. Jr. in our time, his mother left instructions to travel back to the 21^st century after the fratricide was complete to make sure that the future would never have to deal with the libertarian, hawkish rule of G. Gordon Deathbot. This was also discarded as rubbish by the senior Deathbot, because there were no mention of plumbing in the plan.

It is unclear how the time travels of both Deathbots have affected the timeline. One clue that G.G. Jr. may come from an alternate reality is the fact that he was surprised to learn that The Office was a huge hit in the United States, but that no one had ever heard of the American version of Saxondale starring H. Jon. Benjamin. According to G.G. Jr., in America, only comedy nerds know what The Office is, while the American Saxondale was hugely popular and influential (before his father gained power and began censoring the entertainment).

Associations and Relations: G. Gordon Deathbot Jr.’s single-mindedness and relative youth have prevented him from making many associations other than his father, G. Gordon Deathbot. He has worked with Roberto Devlin once, to help stop the plans of Rothko-Man and his father. Roberto Devlin refused to tell him anything about his future, but did offer a cryptic and simple, “Thank you,” at the end of their adventure.

G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. has formed a school-boy crush on Mobley: Night After Night With Allan Havey Super-fan, after she helped him with directions to Roberto Devlin’s Spaghetti Lair.

Enemies: G. Gordon Deathbot and G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. are locked in a mortal battle for the future of freedom and democracy. G. Gordon Deathbot has also tangled with Rothko-man.

2009-04-02T18:45:00.001-07:00

G. Gordon Deathbot of the Year 2092

G. Gordon Deathbot

Ethical Stance: Ethics are for the weak (Villain)

Skills and Abilities: Before receiving his Deathbot enhancements, G. Gordon Deathbot was a extremely “creative”, if often flawed tactician. He was also a below average to adequate plumber, athlete, children’s book author, and soldier. His one unique feature was his inability to feel any pain. Since receiving his Deathbot enhancements, he has increased his strength, vision, speed, stamina, tactical, and plumbing abilities to superhuman proportions (although his children’s books have only gotten worse). G. Gordon Deathbot grows stronger any time he is injured, but loses that strength if he doesn’t feast on a hippie within 48 hours after the injury. After his enhancement, he was given the ability to switch his future body with one in the past—once.

Weaknesses: G. Gordon Deathbot must feed on hippies once a fortnight, or he becomes extremely weak. During this state of weakness he is highly susceptible to infection. After a feeding, he can become overwhelmed with desire for the “love” of a lady of the night (preferably Thai). This state of need supersedes all others, and can cause him to abandon a scheme or plan at a moment’s notice. A single silver bullet dipped in LSD to the base of the skull will kill him even after a recent feeding.

Origin: G. Gordon Liddy was a former soldier, FBI agent, lawyer, political operative, actor, amateur plumber, children’s book author, talk show host, and Nietzsche enthusiast. He was born in 1930, in Hoboken, and rose to prominence through his efforts at being crazy, but earnest. It has been speculated that having two alliterate first names and the middle name “Battle” contributed greatly to his life-long battle with stability.

Sometime in the early 21st Century, G. Gordon Liddy became ill. His son, Cdr. James G. Liddy, decided to have his head removed and frozen in a cryogenic chamber, hoping for a future where he could rise again to say nonsense things about Hitler.

In the year 2092, a mysterious and unidentified scientist (and Nietzsche enthusiast) inspired by the movie "Street Asylum," began experiments to create his own “Superman.” His original experiments with Ted Williams failed, but once he stumbled upon the better-preserved head of Liddy, he was determined to succeed. Liddy’s inability to feel pain and his worldview made him the ideal candidate for enhancement.

Before his tactical circuits had a chance to come on-line, he foolishly chose to use his one shot at time-travel to return to 2006 (because he could replace a 75 year-old body with a robot one), not realizing that if he would have gone back to the 1970s he could have pulled off the Watergate break-in without detection and avoided all of the jail-time and whatever depraved act he had to perform for Jimmy Carter to earn his pardon. (Plus, he totally would have won that episode of Celebrity Fear Factor.)

Unfortunately, his 75-year old body was unable to handle the rigors of time-travel and perished sometime before the year 2092, squandering his chance to receive new enhancements and continue to live on in the future. It is unclear how he was finally exterminated. He lived to at least 2075, because that is when G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. was conceived.

In the present day, G. Gordon Deathbot continues to maintain a public persona as G. Gordon Liddy. The world at large is unaware that the man who isn’t making sense on FOX TV is really a Deathbot.

Associations and Relations: G. Gordon Deathbot has planned and participated in several heists with Frost Nixon. He has worked closely with Reagatron Deathface. He is also a close friend and book club member with Rothko-man Deconstructer.

Sometime in 2075, G. Gordon Deathbot conceived a son with a good-hearted Thai lady who was just trying to put her way through space college. This child was born with superior Deathbot parts, and grew to be G. Gordon Deathbot, Jr. He is a Deathbot of pure good (as opposed to his father), and has traveled back to the present to foil his father’s nefarious plots. G. Gordon Deathbot does not often speak of his native time, except to say that, “It is Hell, and my father is a King.”

He is not related to Dabney Coleman in any way, shape, or form (well…maybe shape and form).

Enemies: G. Gordon Deathbot and G. Gordon Deathbot Jr. are locked in a mortal battle for the future of freedom and democracy. G. Gordon Deathbot has also tangled with Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger and Roberto Devlin (at the behest of his friend, Rothko-man).

2009-04-02T15:45:00.001-07:00

Due to previous Honeymooney delays...

2009-03-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

The Amazing Logic Monster Does Not Care...It Cannot Care...It Will Not Care...

Amazing Logic Monster

Ethical Stance: Single-minded Villain

Skills and Abilities: It is a robot, so it can do robot stuff (including calculation, assembly, lifting heavy things, lasers, etc.). It also has complete control over all Subaru vehicles everywhere.

Weaknesses: Love. The statement, “I am a liar. I never tell the truth. This statement is a lie.” Folk Music. Thoughts of Lisa Loeb shut the Amazing Logic Monster’s systems down for at least nine minutes.

Origin: The Amazing Logic Monster was built by Fuji Heavy Industries for the specific purpose of capturing and destroying the Feelings Ninja.

After a meeting of all (but one) of the greatest ninjas in the Nakajima Ninja clan (both living and dead), the ninjas decided that the relatively new invention of the airplane would lead to the end of their stealthy ways. They issued a controversial decree, which unanimously stated that airplane flying was cooler than ninja flying. Having made this decree, they decided to dissolve their ninja activities and start making airplanes. Thus Nakajima Aircraft Company was born in 1917. Nine spirits and nine former master ninjas ran the company, and this committee made all decisions about the company.

For years, the Feelings Ninja didn’t involve himself in the business of the Nakajima clan (because he was too sad) and the clan did not bother with him (because they could not come to a consensus on what to do with him). However, when Nakajima Aircraft Company was dissolved and split up by the allies after the war, a new company was born, secretly run by the spirit form of an old ninja who had led the push to convert the clan to making airplanes.

The spirit ninja formed Fuji Heavy Industries with the purpose of building affordable, dependable cars perfectly suited to alternative lifestyles, and killing all ninjas. Thus the Subaru was born. The spirit ninja made sure that every machine built by his company would be equipped with a special sensor that detects ninjas and destroys them with the throwing stars on their emblem.

The plan worked, and the last ninja was killed (or so they thought) as a passing Forrester on it’s way to an Indigo Girls concert in Charlotte, NC spotted and ended a down-on-his-luck ninja who was selling samurai swords and confederate flag throws in an abandoned gas station near Wadesboro, NC. Unaware of the awakened Feelings Ninja, a spell was cast that disabled the killing function in all Fuji’s vehicles.

When the spirit master of Fuji Heavy Industries learned of this awaking, he directed his engineers to build The Amazing Logic Monster to kill this last, annoyingly emo ninja...or at least talk some sense into him.

The Amazing Logic Monster first tracked down the Feelings Ninja at a Lilith Fair concert in 1998. Logically, it believed it had an incredible advantage, with a small army of Subaru vehicles at its command. The Feelings Ninja was almost in its grasp...until the music started. When Heather Nova started her set, the Amazing Logic Monster froze, and began a futile calculation to determine how the sounds being vibrated into its antennae could logically exist (he had not been programed to understand that art defies logic). The Feelings Ninja escaped, and the Amazing Logic Monster might have stayed in that spot forever if it weren’t for a fortuitous scrunci, projected at the reset button on the back of ALM's "neck" by a concertgoer engulfed in the throes of passion.

The Amazing Logic Monster now travels the globe, attempting to track down the Feelings Ninja, and avoid the highly illogical sounds of folk.

Associations and Relations: The dead ninja who runs Fuji Heavy Industries. All Subarus…everywhere.

Enemies: Feelings Ninja. All others are inconsequential.

2009-03-04T20:37:00.000-08:00

Feelings Ninja Loves You...He Really, Really Loves You...

Feelings Ninja

Ethical Stance: Hero

Skills and Abilities: Feelings Ninja is a master-level expert in 12 different martial arts. He is also skilled in one of the sketch arts—specifically, the sketching of a sad clown. He is also a fairly decent acoustic guitar player and has as an encyclopedic knowledge of Dashboard Confessional lyrics. Also Ninja training has made him basically invulnerable and everlasting.

Weaknesses: Puppies. Morrissey. The movie Winter Passing. Two hearts that beat as one. Cold, hard logic.

Origin: It is unknown when Feelings Ninja was born, however most estimate that it was early in the 1400s, near Okinawa. For the first 200 years of his life, he was generally regarded as the most powerful ninja alive. He had so mastered the art of stealth that he had learned the secret of hiding from death, rendering him virtually indestructible…but he had never known love.

In 1602 he received a mission to assassinate an English noble who had taken to acting. While waiting for his chance to strike, he became enthralled by a young performer on the stage. Later he learned that the play was Romeo and Juliet, and “Juliet” was a girl pretending to be a boy playing the part of a girl. All of this was very confusing to Feelings Ninja. After completing his mission by shooting a blow-dart in the guy that looked like Ben Affleck, he began the pursuit of his androgynous temptress. At first she spurned his advances, and nearly let Feelings Ninja slip away. Eventually “Juliet” agreed to give Feelings Ninja one chance, but then broke up with him when she misinterpreted something her quirky best friend said to her. After a dramatic moment of reconciliation on top of…oh…let’s say the Tower of London, Feelings Ninja and “Juliet” decided to get a condo together.

Things were going swimmingly, and they were the models of committed lovers, until “Juliet” learned that it was Feelings Ninja who killed her friend, the guy who looked like Ben Affleck. “Juliet” threw him out, and ended up marrying a shoe smith by the name of Roddy Shoesmith.

Despondent, Feelings Ninja returned to his clan, searching for solace. However, after a few months of audibly sobbing into his pillow, the other members of Feelings Ninja’s clan unanimously decided to strip him of his title and quarters on the grounds that he had been neglecting his duties, but mostly it was because he was, “too emo.”

Feelings Ninja was left without a home, a love, or a clan…so he decided to sleep. He did not wake up until 1994, but when he did wake up he found a single tear had been marked on his mask (which smelled something awful).

His clan (which evolved into Fuji Heavy Industries) learned of this awaking, and built and sent The Amazing Logic Monster to kill him, or at least talk some sense into him.

Associations and Relations: Feelings Ninja has worked with many others since his awakening, but none of them really hang out. Mostly, he walks alone because he’s always crying or playing folk music, and not many can stand that. Feelings Ninja is the Vice President of the People’s Chris Carrabba Fan Club.

Enemies: The Amazing Logic Monster. Feelings Ninja counts Frost Nixon as an enemy, but she’s just not that in to him.

2009-02-18T18:48:00.000-08:00

Rothko-Man Deconstructer's eyes make your things color

Rothko-Man Deconstructer

Ethical Stance: Villain

Skills and Abilities: Rothko-Man is a level 9 genius and polymath, and has a recorded IQ of 387. Due to an accident involving a secret experimental beverage developed by Seagram’s and Sons, Rothko-man developed the ability to take any object and reduce it to blocks of color with his eyes. Depending on the size of the object, this can be extremely draining for Rothko-man. When he traveled back in time to render the Alexander Nevsky Cathedral in Warsaw into an orange square on a blue background after stealing its copper, he was left in a coma for 3 days. Rothko-man is seemingly ageless; as his appearance and vigor has not changed since the accident in 1958. He is also a moderately skilled athlete and an above average hand-to-hand combatant.

Weaknesses: Rothko-man is vulnerable to all things that would harm a normal human. In addition, aluminum foil renders him powerless.

Origin: Rothko-man Deconstructer, born Marcus Rothkowitz in 1903, was a Latvian-born American painter and printmaker before taking up a career as a secret super-villain in 1958. Tiring of the strain of wearing aging make-up and fat suits required to maintain his public persona, while pursuing his ambitions for world domination and the elimination of the world’s supply of aluminum foil at night, he faked his own death in 1970, hiding and spinning his webs of deceit in the underground chamber under the Rothko Chapel.

In 1958 Rothko received the commission for a series of paintings for the Park Avenue Seagram’s and Sons building. During a tour of the building, Rothko became bored and tried to sneak out for a smoke. Opening a door he thought led outside, Rothko accidently walked into a secret lab where the Seagram scientists were developing an early version of the Golden Wine Cooler, using uranium to accelerate the carbonation. The experimental and unstable drink exploded in his face, and the changes were immediate. The first signs were Rothko's continuous and deepening obsession with the writings of Nietzsche.

While working on the paintings for the Seagram’s commission, Rothko was at first frustrated, because he had decided that he wanted to create something that would disgust his hosts, but he could not think of what to paint. Rothko-man looked to the streets, and there he found his inspiration. He invited a homeless man into his studio and began thinking about how to depict him. The deep concentration turned on a switch in his mind, and soon a flash of light shot out of his eyes. When he looked again, there were a couple of brown and red shapes on the canvas in front of him, and the homeless man was gone…as was the poor, sweet man that was once known as Marcus Rothkowitz.

Rothko-Man discovered that aluminum foil nullified his powers when he tried to ruin a Daughters of the American Revolution pot luck. Embarrassed, but filled with purpose, he hatched his plan to destroy the earth’s supply of aluminum foil...mostly by general criminal scheming, but also through a series of pasta-related restaurant chains (e.g., Buca di Beppo) he started using shadow corporations fronted by former disciples. Rothko also maintains a small supply foil in his lair, because he’s smart and he knows when he succeeds it will be more valuable than gold. When Roberto Devlin discovered the horrible truth of Rothko-Man's plot, he dedicated his heroic life to stopping this villain.

Associations and Relations: Rothko-Man Deconstructer was once part of a mysterious group know only as "the Ten." According to most sources, he ended his association with them in the mid-70s, because he said they liked the Beatles too much. He has made several attempts to train a protege by trying to recreate the Seagram's Golden Wine Cooler that gave him his powers. This is how Bruce Willis lost his hair (to this date Bruce Willis has not exhibited any powers resulting from these experiments) and how Simon Schama gained his confidence.

Enemies: Rothko-Man Deconstructer and Roberto Devlin: 5 Star Pasta Chef From The Future are locked in an epic battle over the world’s supply of aluminum foil.

2009-02-17T19:37:00.000-08:00

Roberto Devlin is here to save our pasta future.

Roberto Devlin: 4-Star Pasta Chef From The Future

Ethical Stance: Hero

Skills and Abilities: Due to genetic modifications provided to all 4 Star Chefs who work for McSbarros to enhance their ability to chop tomatoes and garlic, Roberto Devlin has superior dexterity, reflexes, and knife wielding skills. Having been born and raised on the higher gravity New Earth, he has four times the strength of an Olympic class weightlifter. He is also the greatest pasta chef of his generation, making him 1000 times better than that guy who says, “Bam!” He can also produce spices using the power of his mind. Roberto is an above average athlete and an excellent hand-to-hand combatant, because the future is just like today’s TV, where chefs are always fighting with each other over the tastes of their sauces. Roberto is also an excellent flying pasta cart driver, and a superb leader and strategist.

Weaknesses: Bullets, most other things that kill people, overboiling.

Origin: Roberto Devlin was born in 2473 on New Earth (which is what we call the first extra-solar space colony, because humans are pretty much jerks, and that’s what we name things when we colonize them no matter what the native name is). From an early age, Roberto showed aptitude for criminal strategic planning and artistic pasta work. Thankfully for humanity, he choose pasta.

As the 26^th century approached, thanks to the discovery of vast starch mines on New New Earth Jr., future pasta (chemically the same as our pasta, but made without flour or eggs) became the only food consumed by residents of the Republic of SpaceEarthpire, and McSbarro’s became the #1 restaurant in the galaxy. Contrary to popular belief, aluminum foil is extinct in the future. People do not wear it as clothing. This became an especially disastrous development as aluminum foil is the perfect substance to put left-over pasta in, plus it’s shiny. Future scientists were unable to recreate aluminum foil in their space labs, so they instead focused their efforts toward time-travel. This turned out to be pretty easy.

The future scientists determined that the 21^st century was when the tide turned in the battle against not having aluminum foil, due to the wasteful policies of today’s pasta chefs, little kids who pretend to be super-heroes, and not McSbarro or McSbarro predecessors (plus one mysterious reason they couldn’t figure out). Having isolated the period, a savior was chosen, and it was Roberto Devlin, the century’s greatest pasta chef.

Roberto was transported to the 21^st century and bought some aluminum foil at a Piggly Wiggly, then dropped it off back in the future, completing his mission. However, Roberto decided that he should come back to our time to educate and warn us of our foil-follies, and possibly discover the other mysterious reason for its disappearance. Also, they don’t have money in the future, and the chefs of the 21^st century get paid a lot of money (plus chicks dig them)…and crime-fighting.

Associations and Relations: Roberto Devlin is the direct descendent of a man he only knew as J.K. Livin. He later discovered that this was noted bongo enthusiast, Matthew McConaughey.

Enemies: Rothko-man Deconstructor is Roberto Devlin’s main enemy for reasons to be described in the next entry.

2009-02-11T21:21:00.000-08:00

Frost Nixon

Often a Villain. Always a Bad Tipper.

Frost Nixon

Ethical Stance: Anti-villain

Skills and Abilities: Tall for a lady. Can manifest and project heads of Richard M. Nixon that are covered in ice and frost. Like a snowflake, each Nixon head is different in its shape and beauty. Frost can project the heads at over 100 miles per hour. Some Nixon heads can redact memories on contact. Frost Nixon is also skilled at combat and has a high level of proficiency in kickboxing.

Weaknesses: Frost Nixon is rendered immobile with passion by diatribes against the following: regulation, hippies, and Spiro Agnew. She is also deathly afraid of Communists, the Liberal Media, folk music, and the disembodied corpse of Alger Hiss. When exposed to checkers or checkerboards, she temporarily loses her powers.

Origin: Frost Nixon grew up as a normal young orphan girl living in Yorba Linda, California. While playing hide-and-seek with her childhood friend (future major league baseball player Lance Parish), she happened upon an old canister of Quaker Oats hiding behind a rock. Finding it strange and alluring, she abandoned her friend and brought the canister home with her. In the safety of her room she drew her drapes, stuffed a towel under her door, and checked her walls for wire-taps (she was already beginning to be affected by the dark powers inside the canister). When she was sure there were no nosey reporters peeking in on her secrets, she opened the canister. Inside she found what looked like a frosted white crystal. This, of course, was the icy soul of Richard Millhouse Nixon, which he had removed and hid in his hometown before beginning the HUAC hearings. The crystal immediately absorbed into her skin, and she gained her powers. At first she found it impossible to control her new-found abilities, so she traveled to undead sorceress and noted skeleton, Ann Coulter, who helped Frost harness her newfound powers by training her in the dark arts of demagogy, bulimia, anti-Darwinist social-Darwinism, and kickboxing.

Ann Coulter later revealed that Frost was the illegitimate love-child of Richard Nixon and Linda Lovelace, whom he had a torrid affair with after his abdication of the Presidency because he loved irony. This is why Frost was able to absorb R.M. Nixon’s icy soul. Coulter had long known about the hidden crystal, but had never been able to generate enough evil to absorb it into her own sinewy flesh. Her many depravities proving useless in her efforts, she determined that only someone with the blood of the dark master could absorb his soul.

After several years as a criminal understudy of the bony she-witch, Coulter, Frost met and fell in love (as much as she could feel it) with Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger. She fell hard for his rugged individualism, and for a brief time gave up her evil ways, but soon became dissatisfied with his warm, caring heart. This coupled with her uncontrollable promiscuity (inherited from her mother), led to their messy divorce. They have been sworn enemies since the dissolution of their marriage.

Associations and Relations: Frost Nixon is the illegitimate daughter of Richard Nixon and Linda Lovelace. She was a childhood friend of Lance Parish. She is not related to Otis Nixon, but is a fan. Ann Coulter, undead sorceress, is her mentor and confidant. She is a reserve member in the Kissinger Corps. She has served as a partner on several heists with G. Gordon Deathbot of the Year 2092.

She has also been employed by Rush Limbaugh as the head of a group of nere-do-wells (including Sans Serif and Ice Cube Arms) in a complicated scheme to steal high-powered opiates from Guatemala to bring to his underground bunker in the hills of Virginia. This plot was foiled by Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger, Jessica Mutual-Fund, and the Feelings Ninja when they defeated the trio with an a capella version of Turn, Turn, Turn (Feeling Ninja’s guitar being damaged in the penultimate battle). This was her only adventure with Sans Serif, as she could not stand the French accent, but Frost has continued her partnership with Ice Cube Arms until this day.

Enemies: Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger is Frost Nixon’s main enemy. She has also pitted her wits against Jessica Mutual-Fund and the Science Tigers. Her encounters with the Mysterious Myster are ambiguous and often shadowy.

2009-01-29T19:55:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the Doodleverse. This is where office supplies come alive!

Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger

Ethical Stance: Anti-hero

Skills and Abilities: Higher than average agility for a snowman. Higher than average sentience for a thing that is made out of three balls of snow that descend in circumference as they ascend toward their greatest combined enemy—the sun. Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger is an excellent, though reckless driver, as long as the vehicle is refrigerated and does not require the use of pedals. He is a skilled tactician and detective who is also rated with most automatic and semi-automatic weapons introduced before 1978 and holds 4 black belts and 1 brown belt. Also, he’s a magic talking snowman who is ambulatory and can grow a five-o-clock shadow out of a snow face

Weaknesses: The sun, heat in general (unless generated by a cigar), rain, salt (emotional and physical), and the pleas of young children whose lives have been shaken by any combination of the mafia, drug-lords, and/or agents of general deviousness.

Origin: Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger came to life one day when 12 soldiers on a very special mission to ruin a NAZI cotillion decided to blow off some steam by building a snowman before their big mission. The 12 soldiers left their creation to witness their feats of heroism and sacrifice. As luck would have it, a down on his luck non-NAZI scientist and amateur magician, Professor Hinkle, was walking by when a strong gust of wind blew his new hat out of his hands onto the head of the newly created snowman. Thus Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger was born.

According to his 1973 interview on the Dick Cavett Show, Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger’s first act of sentience was to cry a single tear as he watched Jim Brown get blown up. His second act was to scream, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” His third act was to vow revenge on NAZIs, or things that reminded him of NAZIs, such as the guy who works at the Kroger who gives you the stink-eye because you’re taking a little too much time looking at the clearance items and you didn’t get a chance to shave that day so maybe you look a little sketchy but that’s no reason to ruin somebody’s lunch hour with eye-accusations. That guy…that guy gets revenged on. Also Michael Keaton.

Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger often warns his enemies that he'll be back again someday, in the spirit of fair play.

Associations and Relations: Frosty the Snowman is Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger’s younger brother. They are dramatically different in temperament, but they both share a love of justice and a strong desire to make young children happy (Frosty uses magic and fancy, Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger uses revenge). Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger has also partnered on several missions with Jello Biafra.

Enemies: Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger’s main enemy is Frost/Nixon [see next entry]. She is also his ex-wife. He also hates NAZIs and NAZI-type people.