Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger
Ethical Stance: Anti-hero
Skills and Abilities: Higher than average agility for a snowman. Higher than average sentience for a thing that is made out of three balls of snow that descend in circumference as they ascend toward their greatest combined enemy—the sun. Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger is an excellent, though reckless driver, as long as the vehicle is refrigerated and does not require the use of pedals. He is a skilled tactician and detective who is also rated with most automatic and semi-automatic weapons introduced before 1978 and holds 4 black belts and 1 brown belt. Also, he’s a magic talking snowman who is ambulatory and can grow a five-o-clock shadow out of a snow face
Weaknesses: The sun, heat in general (unless generated by a cigar), rain, salt (emotional and physical), and the pleas of young children whose lives have been shaken by any combination of the mafia, drug-lords, and/or agents of general deviousness.
Origin: Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger came to life one day when 12 soldiers on a very special mission to ruin a NAZI cotillion decided to blow off some steam by building a snowman before their big mission. The 12 soldiers left their creation to witness their feats of heroism and sacrifice. As luck would have it, a down on his luck non-NAZI scientist and amateur magician, Professor Hinkle, was walking by when a strong gust of wind blew his new hat out of his hands onto the head of the newly created snowman. Thus Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger was born.
According to his 1973 interview on the Dick Cavett Show, Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger’s first act of sentience was to cry a single tear as he watched Jim Brown get blown up. His second act was to scream, “NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” His third act was to vow revenge on NAZIs, or things that reminded him of NAZIs, such as the guy who works at the Kroger who gives you the stink-eye because you’re taking a little too much time looking at the clearance items and you didn’t get a chance to shave that day so maybe you look a little sketchy but that’s no reason to ruin somebody’s lunch hour with eye-accusations. That guy…that guy gets revenged on. Also Michael Keaton.
Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger often warns his enemies that he'll be back again someday, in the spirit of fair play.
Associations and Relations: Frosty the Snowman is Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger’s younger brother. They are dramatically different in temperament, but they both share a love of justice and a strong desire to make young children happy (Frosty uses magic and fancy, Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger uses revenge). Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger has also partnered on several missions with Jello Biafra.
Enemies: Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger’s main enemy is Frost/Nixon [see next entry]. She is also his ex-wife. He also hates NAZIs and NAZI-type people.
Labels: Charles Bronson: Snow Avenger