Feelings Ninja Loves You...He Really, Really Loves You...

Feelings Ninja

Ethical Stance: Hero

Skills and Abilities: Feelings Ninja is a master-level expert in 12 different martial arts. He is also skilled in one of the sketch arts—specifically, the sketching of a sad clown. He is also a fairly decent acoustic guitar player and has as an encyclopedic knowledge of Dashboard Confessional lyrics. Also Ninja training has made him basically invulnerable and everlasting.

Weaknesses: Puppies. Morrissey. The movie Winter Passing. Two hearts that beat as one. Cold, hard logic.

Origin: It is unknown when Feelings Ninja was born, however most estimate that it was early in the 1400s, near Okinawa. For the first 200 years of his life, he was generally regarded as the most powerful ninja alive. He had so mastered the art of stealth that he had learned the secret of hiding from death, rendering him virtually indestructible…but he had never known love.

In 1602 he received a mission to assassinate an English noble who had taken to acting. While waiting for his chance to strike, he became enthralled by a young performer on the stage. Later he learned that the play was Romeo and Juliet, and “Juliet” was a girl pretending to be a boy playing the part of a girl. All of this was very confusing to Feelings Ninja. After completing his mission by shooting a blow-dart in the guy that looked like Ben Affleck, he began the pursuit of his androgynous temptress. At first she spurned his advances, and nearly let Feelings Ninja slip away. Eventually “Juliet” agreed to give Feelings Ninja one chance, but then broke up with him when she misinterpreted something her quirky best friend said to her. After a dramatic moment of reconciliation on top of…oh…let’s say the Tower of London, Feelings Ninja and “Juliet” decided to get a condo together.

Things were going swimmingly, and they were the models of committed lovers, until “Juliet” learned that it was Feelings Ninja who killed her friend, the guy who looked like Ben Affleck. “Juliet” threw him out, and ended up marrying a shoe smith by the name of Roddy Shoesmith. 

Despondent, Feelings Ninja returned to his clan, searching for solace. However, after a few months of audibly sobbing into his pillow, the other members of Feelings Ninja’s clan unanimously decided to strip him of his title and quarters on the grounds that he had been neglecting his duties, but mostly it was because he was, “too emo.”

Feelings Ninja was left without a home, a love, or a clan…so he decided to sleep. He did not wake up until 1994, but when he did wake up he found a single tear had been marked on his mask (which smelled something awful).  

His clan (which evolved into Fuji Heavy Industries) learned of this awaking, and built and sent The Amazing Logic Monster to kill him, or at least talk some sense into him.

Associations and Relations: Feelings Ninja has worked with many others since his awakening, but none of them really hang out. Mostly, he walks alone because he’s always crying or playing folk music, and not many can stand that. Feelings Ninja is the Vice President of the People’s Chris Carrabba Fan Club.

Enemies: The Amazing Logic Monster. Feelings Ninja counts Frost Nixon as an enemy, but she’s just not that in to him.